My to do lists are eating away at my soul.
Ok, maybe not really at my soul, but pretty close. I keep a running list in my mind of all the things that need to be done, and I'm figuring out that I judge my self worth by how many things are left to do. Isn't that stupid? Well, it's true. Here is a sample of some of the mental spam going on in this brain.
- repot the rootbound plant
- scrub the fingerprints off the walls
- eeew, clean the boys' bathroom
- mop the kitchen floor
- hello?! Bible study is tomorrow night, are you going to do your lesson?
- what about running?
- put clean sheets on beds
- dust, dust, dust, dust
- gotta run errands today
- how long has that toenail polish needed to come off those toes??!
- Etc.
The list is a mile long, there is so much more, but I don't want to bore you to death. I keep it running through my head all day long, and not in a positive way. In more of a "look at how much you aren't getting done, you SUCK!" kind of way. I read an interesting little quote over on Vashti's blog. She was talking about the Sabbath, and her pastor said that honoring the Sabbath lets us be "liberated from the need to be finished.". Ouch. The lightbulb came on for me when I read that. I realized that I have been trying to be finished. Now that I see it, I see how unattainable that is, especially in the profession that I am working in. I can count on one hand the times that the whole house has been perfectly clean. I am fully aware that the laundry will never be finished, as long as we aren't living in a nudist colony. (Wouldn't THAT be interesting?!) The thing is, look at what I have listed, both things have to do with the house. Am I a housekeeper? Well, kind of. But mainly I am hanging out around here during the day because I have chosen to be a MOM. There would sure be a lot less mess around here if no one was home during the day. So where is my Mom to do list? That is another post for another day. Back to your point Heather.
What about me? Will "I" ever be finished? Not my work, but me as a person, my growth emotionally and spiritually. I don't think so, not as long as I am breathing air. God will always have "one more thing" for me to work on. I don't think He is sitting up there with His list thinking, "Only 752 more things to change about Heather before I can fully love her." I think He fully loves me NOW, just the way I am. I need to fully love this life I have NOW and the people in it, in the middle of my lists.
I hope this lightbulb moment can carry over into how I actually live. Maybe my perspective on these daily chores will change. Maybe I will pour more time into these little souls entrusted to me, instead of worrying about mmediately wiping their sticky fingerprints off of the wall. I hope I can learn to see my self worth as more than jobs checked off of a list.
3 comments:
You are so right...God loves us where we are even though we are works in progress. We aren't finished until, well, it is *finished*.
Why would any aspect of our life be finished? This morning, "we" finished Aidan's big project (yeah, on the morning it was due...) and as I drove away from the school I thought about how good it was to be finished, but then I remembered something else will takes its place and the rest of the glue in the house and I felt depressed. Rambling.
Anyway, this post was good to read. Thanks.
You are so awesome, Heth, I really appreciate your honesty, and your genuineness. Thank you so much.
Lots of love to you
That was great, Heth. Good perspective, and even though it's so stinking hard to apply it to our lives every day, realizing that God loves us no matter what we do or don't do is the most liberating feeling we can have. Thanks for the reminder for everyone, even non-Moms. :-)
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