Taming the Waddle- A How To

The side to side sway of a pregnant woman in motion is endearing. That is as long as you aren't the actual pregnant woman. When you start logging more left-right miles than forward ones, you know you are officially waddling. I have put together this little How-To (or how-not-to) for the benefit of pregnant mothers everywhere.

The Why of the Waddle:

We can blame it on the hormones. Don't we blame everything on the hormones? Global warming? Must be the hormones. Crying over a stack of dirty dishes? Must be the hormones. Food going bad in the fridge? Hormones. But this one is legit. The hips are falling apart. Literally. Hormones cause all the ligaments in your hips to stretch and the cartilage to soften. A big ole baby has to pass through there, remember? And so, the way is prepared. But it leads to soreness in the hips and the classic waddle. Lovely.

Most of the time, around the house I just go with it. I sway and lumber around not caring how long it takes me to get across the room and definitely not caring how clumsy I appear. Oh my goodness, gracefulness went out the window many moons ago. But there are public situations where I would prefer to appear a bit more controlled. The side to side saunter isn't necessarily what I'm going for. So I try with all my might to appear to be a normal walking human being. Here is what I have come up with.

Concentration:
This is huge. Diverting your body from the natural way that it wants to cross the room is no small feat. This is going to take some serious focus. So gather your thoughts, pour every ounce of brain energy that you have into this. You may want to avoid conversing. This is no time to multi-task.

Eyes:
Now, following the theme of concentration, it might help you to focus your eyes on a specific point on the other side of the room near your destination. Lock on. Don't look to the left or the right. Again, we need to concentrate here.

Posture:
This is the time to practice everything your mother taught you. She didn't remind you to "stand up straight" for nothing. She had foresight. This is the moment to call upon that wisdom and put it into practice. So, tuck those hips back under yourself. Pull in whatever abs are holding on for dear life under that belly. Chest up, shoulders back. Whew! This is hard isn't it?!

Motion:
Ok, here we go. Now the most important thing is to keep those legs in line. They are going to want to turn out and go the path of least resistance, but we need to bring them under submission. At least until we get across the room. Take it slow, one foot in front of the other in a straight line. Keep the head up, keep the shoulders back. Avoid scowling. Seriously, you are going to want to scowl.

Once you have made it to your destination across the room, find a chair. That was a high impact workout, you deserve to sit down. Make sure you don't do too much too soon. You might want to work your way up from a few steps to a walk across the room. Eventually you may even be able to shop for an hour or so with out waddling. That is for the advanced student though, so don't push yourself.

I hope this was an informative tutorial. I am my own student, trying my best to glide across the room in this distorted body of mine. If you see me and I am walking, please don't try to talk to me. I'm concentrating.