I don't think it's a secret that I've been listening to some podcasts. Lots and lots of podcasts. I've been just soaking them up. God using them to do some huge things in my life right now and I just can't get enough. The main podcast I've been listening to is Matt Chandler from The Village Church in Texas.
The reoccurring theme for me right now is community. Authentic relationships. Letting other people deep into your life, good, bad, and ugly to help to spur you on. But it's so easy to pull away and be fake. To put on a happy face and not let anyone in. Here is a quote the jumped out of my ear buds at me.
"The most common illustration given to what we’re in is a body. If you cut off a finger and throw it aside, it doesn’t keep growing or moving or playing its part; it shrivels up and dies. You cannot remove yourself. The more you isolate yourself from deep, authentic, real Christian community, the more damage you do to your own joy."
While I eluded to the fact that the last few months have been difficult and that I was struggling in my early pregnancy and feeling like crap and wrestling with God, I don't think that's how it should be the majority of the time. He was pulling me away from the "people supports" I had but just for a short time. He showed me how to rely on Him alone for that season but I don't think that's what He has in mind for the everyday, every week, every month of life. He gave us each other. He wants us to be real and open and honest with each other.
Here is another one to chew on. (Del was a mentor of his who had passed away earlier that week.)
"See how shallow our relationships are. See how hollow they are that no one’s willing to engage us at that level when everyone in this room knows that we’ve got areas that we’re blind in, that we’ve got issues in, that we’ve got trouble in. No one loves enough to go, “How are you really doing with your relationship with Christ?” I mean, this isn’t some game. Hey, you’re going to die. Are you tracking with that? Del’s time was Wednesday. We’re all an hour closer. This isn’t a game. Eternity hangs in the balance, joy hangs in the balance, and it seems like we talk about the same lame junk as everyone else. “Hurray, the Cowboys got what they needed in the 1st round!” That’s not a bad point of conversation, but it’s got to go farther than that for us. It’s got to go
farther than that. And it’s not easy. It’s not easy because most people don’t want to get there. They want to hide, they want to protect themselves. I call it “fine-itis.” “How are you doing?” “Fine.” We all want to look a certain part, despite the fact that that we’re not.
Dude. This is kicking my butt on so many levels. It's scary to let people in that closely. What if? What if they see who I really am and they reject me? What if they see my junk and tell everyone else? I'm not saying we should be broadcasting our issues out there for the whole world to see, this is about deep relationships. It's about letting some people in closer than we are necessarily comfortable with. For our own good. For their own good. For the good of the Church as a whole.
I've been challenged to let myself be known a little more to those in my life who I have deep relationship with. To take some of my surface level relationships to a little bit deeper level, a level past talking about changing diapers and what the weather is like. I want to grow closer to the people God has put into my life so that we can encourage each other to change, to grow, to be who He wants us to be. I don't think it's going to be easy. Actually it could get quite messy, but I'm willing to go there if it's going to result in true joy and maturity. Growth hurts sometimes.
How about you? How much do you put yourself out there? Do you suffer from "fine-itis?" Do you have people in your life who can ask the hard questions of you?
18 comments:
Really good post! Thank you for sharing. I know God is really working on me right now too and I think as believers we do need to let ourselve be known more. Despite how scary it is. Thanks for being open.
Oh my. That is a lot to soak in. I am just now reading this. I watch your link for an update in my sidebar and it doesn't show this post. Weird.
Anyway, this post reminds me of a very difficult time I was going through a few years ago. I was afraid to open up and share what was really going on. And I couldn't hear God to save me life, when I'd enjoyed it all of my Christian walk.
I kept thinking it was just a quiet time. But it was deafening. There isn't enough space to go into the details here, but I was involved in 2 separate women's bible studies where I thought I could be real. These were my close friends.
In the first one, after I shared my struggle and what was going on in my life, they all looked at me blankly. Nothing. So I thought, "ok, God wants me to deal with this between just the 2 of us."
Two months later, I was feeling more desperate. "God,what are we doing???" Once again, I tried to reach out for support. In the second group I have a dear friend who has known me for 18 years. It went pretty much the same. Afterwards, this friend came up to me and said, "you're going to be ok, right?"
It was as if she was saying, yeah, what you are saying sounds desperate, but you've been at this Christian walk longer than most of us here and I know your walk is strong, so it is ok, right?
At that point, I just nodded and left. The wrong thing to do, I know. I should have said, "I don't feel that way." I should have been more real.
Anyway, this probably has nothing to do with what you were trying to share, but it is one of the things that struck me in reading your post.
Oh, one more comment. That last question about having people in my life ask the hard questions.
It's funny, I did have that most of my walk. Up until the time that I began struggling with the aforementioned. And I agree. You gotta have friends who will do that. I think that is one of the reasons people isolate themselves. For me, I could walk into church, or meet my friends and they always seemed to see right through me and would ask. (I am convinced it is God speaking through them.)
And I try to do/be the same for others in the body, listening & watching for other clues when they aren't open about things being fine.
Dude. So, so good. Letting people in is scary...extra scary in ministry. When God brings along those people who He deems "safe" it is amongst His chiefest of blessings.
Man, this post kicked my butt. Loved you sharing where your at. Bookmarking it, baby ;)
Good stuff! Especially good for me right now becuase I totally feel myself pulling away and withdrawing into my shell. I don't need to do that. I don't need to allow others to drive me into that shell.
So much to think about. Thanks!
-FringeGirl
I love you.
wow, this is sooo good, and soo true. we don't always know how badly and deeply we need the family of God till we are alone.
I love this about Jenni H, she asks me questions about myself I haven't asked myself but needed to! does that make sense?
(I struggle to express myself clearly all the time but it seems the need to express is so strong that it all spills out! I get blank looks sometimes and know that I did not make sense but ... whew, I feel better! haha!)
I love you and all your junk.
I am more than willing to roll up my sleeves and to quote my hero Mike Rowe...Get Dirty :) (LOVE LOVE that show..I digress!)
But to answer your questions, I hope I can trust people to ask me those questions and really want my response.
How many times have you been asked a question and then you know when you answered it all they really wanted from you was a "fine" like--how are you--well I am pregnant (not me..) and my feet hurt, and oh, i twisted my knee last night, the kids barfed all over the top bunk, my toilet seat is broke (that is all me...), and I feel like i am running away from my Savior instead of to him..and i really feel like this problem I have with some people in my life is eating me alive and I don't have very God-like thoughts when I think of them... and I did not read the Word at all last week.....but anywhoo, how are you?
that is why i love love love the study we are doing now---it has been a huge gut check and has made some of those surface relationships grow deeper
BTW Beth is right Jenni H can totally sock it to ya (in a GOOD GOOD way!)
good stuff lady!
I love this! And really, have you ever been bold enough to answer "how are you" with something more substantial than the usual "fine" like say:
Well, my husband has been out of work for 6 months, our savings are running out, we have no health insurance, my kids are on free lunch and I think I have a kidney infection.
Would you be sorry you asked how they were? Would you even know what to do or would you stand there until someone walked by and told you to close your mouth.
I've been tempted to try this out but like most moms, we hold it together until we can't any longer and even then instead of asking for help we find a dark corner to hide in and shed a few unnoticed tears.
Sorry for such a long comment - but this was such a good post and something that as women we need to work on. Support is vital:)
Sooooooo how are you? ;-)
i don't usually feel comfortable putting my real self out there with anyone other than my family and closest friend, but i did take a leap of faith and open up to someone i knew just casually in my new town a few months ago. it was a very positive thing, but extremely difficult as well.
i wish i had the guts to do it more.
nice post, heth.
Hi...I've actually never commented before, but have been "following" you for awhile (congrats on number 8, but the way...my personal favorite as that is MY spot in my family!) Funny you should mention this. A couple of months ago, our Pastor spoke about being real with people. Deep and genuine. He said that we all have unique and special ways that we can minister to people and that when we get vulnerable with people, when we speak about things that we have had life experience with...that God uses us and directs us. Not a "tell everyone your life story" situation, but truly connecting with people that have been through things you have gone through. Who is better to talk to an abuse victim than an abuse survivor for example? I pondered on that sermon all week, then Friday at work...it all made sense. I was giving a woman a pedicure and she started asking me questions about myself. Personal questions, but it felt more like searching than nosey, so I answered her. It just so happened that she was struggling with her husband's infidelity (which is what broke up my first marriage) and she felt really lost. I shared my very painful and personal experience of getting divorced, remarrying, finding Christ, etc. with her. I told her where I attend church and gave her the name of a counselor. Last Sunday, she sat in front of me at church and when we said the greetings, was shocked to see me! With a huge hug she smiled and told me that I changed her life! Imagine, just because I was vulnerable with her, that was the outcome. This has not been easy, but when you look for opporunities to be real with people, you find them everywhere.
This reminds me of a time when I was first married (39 yrs ago) We had just gotten back from our honeymoon and ran into a man that my hubby knew. He offhandedly asked "How have you been?". Bless his heart, Jimmer started telling him all about how he had just married and gotten back from honeymoon and was leaving for the service (Vietnam era) in a few days. I will never forget the look on the guys face and how it was so obvious that he expected the "fine" reply. I mentioned this to jimmer and he said to me..."well then why did he ask"? Maybe this should be another podcast....not only do we need to be honest when asked, but we need to be sincere when we ask. We love you sooooo much heth! yb
Everyone in a church should read this post, Heth. We all need it. I love what you said about rejection - that's my big one. What if someone actually knew _______? It's so hard to put yourself out there and be completely vulnerable to rejection. Things like, what if I need advice on sex, so I ask someone and they think that is something that should not be talked about, and I am left with someone thinking I am disrespectful? When I really just need help! :) Oh, I could ramble about this - I am so glad you posted this - I long to go deeper.
bbbunch That is an amazing story! I'm so glad you stepped out and shared yourself, look at the impact!
yb I think you are totally right about being sincere when we ask, and also caring when they share how they are really doing. I know I am guilty of not always doing that. Sometimes it gets messy.
Yes, I have those people, and I am SO thankful and a much better woman for it. It's not always easy, but it's how God made it to be.
Growth does hurt. But I'm glad we don't have to grow alone. I'll take you...and your junk...if you'll take mine.
Love you.
i've been turning this over, over, and over again in my heart for a couple of weeks now. I feel totally able to be upfront with some close friends, but wondering what to do for close, dear friends who feel they are not able to share their woes. I see them suffering silently & pray that God will help them feel as though they can share burdens Him and with the friends He's sent to them. *sigh*
Just wanted to browse a bit, stumbled over your blog and got hooked on your post. Lots to chew on. Greetings from Florida
I stumbled on your blog as well and have been "lurking" here for awhile :) - I love this post. Good stuff! We are involved in a small group Bible study through our church and the intention is for us to do this very thing with our relationships with the people in our group...and yet it still seems like nobody wants to really open up and be real. I needed this reminder. Thanks, and keep blogging, you write great stuff!
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