Why We Have a Million Kids

(This post is controversial. I am sharing MY personal beliefs and where God has brought me. In no way am I trying to force my thinking onto anyone else. There is so much more that I could write about this topic, but I'm going to try to keep it fairly short.)

A couple of days ago I was asked to write about why we have decided to have a large family. The comment brought a smile to my face, I could tell it was written with genuine interest as opposed to the more common shock and disbelief with which most people ask that question.

We started our family when we were young. Very young. We had a son and then less than two years later, a daughter. We were living far away from home, Nate was in college and we were dirt poor. Diiiiiirt poor. As Nate was wrestling with finishing up school and choosing his career path, we discovered that I was pregnant again. This pregnancy came as we took a happy turn in our lives. We had decided to move back to our home town, our lives were moving in a new direction. I remember sitting in a grocery store parking lot before the sun rose, waiting to pick up boxes for packing our belongings. I was oh so nauseous, the first few weeks of my pregnancy kept me on the verge of being sick at any given moment, but I was so, so happy. We were going home. And we were taking a rapidly growing little family with us.

We came back to our home town and we settled in to a new job and a new house and what do you know? I was pregnant again. If I was to be honest, I really struggled when I looked down at those two pink lines. What the heck were we doing? Didn't God know that I was struggling to keep it together with the three little ones that I already had? Why was He throwing another one into the mix so soon? Nate and I spent that next week coming to terms with the news. But then, by the end of the week, I started to miscarry. I was shocked at my emotions. How could I have been so hesitant just a few days ago and now I felt like my heart was being ripped out at the idea of losing this baby. God was beginning to work in me in a small way that I would look back and understand so much more deeply.

We grieved the loss of that little baby. I was faced with feelings that I had never felt before. We had always been able to become pregnant even without really trying or even thinking about it, and here I was, mourning over an empty womb. My heart bled as I watched other pregnant moms with their blossoming bellies, and I felt so raw. So dead. It was a teensy, tiny glimpse into the feelings that women must have when all they want is a child and their bodies won't comply.

We didn't wait the six weeks like the doctor recommended to become pregnant again. I had been hit with a two ton truck, I realized how much I truly desired to have another child. And this is when God started changing my heart. He placed women into my life who spoke new truths to me. He began to take my small little worldview and He tweaked it, and started showing me what HE had in mind. How HE views children. Nate and I battled through this together. Sometimes we were each other's opponents, and other times we were fighting side by side against what society tells us about kids and families. We dove into the the Word of God and we pleaded with Him to show us what He desired from us for our family.

I can't believe how my thinking has made a 180 degree turn. I used to slide right along side the popular thinking that kids were great and everything, but we needed to get them into the world quickly and close together so that we could get them grown and then get on with life. And it didn't seem that harsh when I was thinking it, but now when I look back, that's truly the lie that I was buying into. God challenged me to my inner core when he asked me to rethink my view on children. His word says that they are a blessing. A blessing. Was the way that I was living really reflecting that belief? Did I trust Him to take care of our family? To provide for us and to bring little souls into the world in His timing, or was I going to grab the steering wheel and show Him the best way? These are the questions that were laid onto my heart and I had to wrestle through each one personally and then with my husband.

So far, we have been given six, almost seven, beautiful healthy children. I cannot even begin to express to you the awe I stand in when I look at each one of them. They truly are woven by His hand. If I would have had my own way, who knows what our family would look like right now, but I can tell you that we would have missed out on some amazing blessings and lessons and joys that were planned by Him. I don't know how many kids we will have. It is the million dollar question that we are asked countless times by curious friends and family. All I know is that I don't want to miss out on something that the God of the universe has for me, because I want to limit His hand. Sure, if we had a lot less kids, we would have a lot more money, and a lot more time. You know what, that's not what I want in this life. I want to follow Him, even if his path isn't the most popular one, even if we look like weirdos. I'm learning a lot about myself through these little people in my life. Some things that are amazing and somethings that are ugly. I know I have a whole lot more to learn and I want Him to teach me. If these life lessons are taught through little people who pass though my home and into His world, then bring 'em on. My heart has plenty of room.