Never Say Never

I hated them with a deep and powerful hatred. How could a teenager feel such a deep emotion at such a tender age? But I did. I was disgusted by them, the way they looked, the sheer size of them. I would never. never. ever. drive a conversion van. I swore up and down that they were the most nastiest of all vehicles. Ironically I said this as I drove around town in an old orange Chevette.

And here I am. I'm sure my parents chuckled inside when Nate and I purchased the Beast. The biggest of vans, red and towering. I know my adolescent words probably still ring in their ears whenever I pull up with a bus load of kids in my 1998 conversion van. You can't miss it. It's a moving landmark. Sometimes I forget how visible it is since I'm the one sitting in the driver's seat. That is until I'm coming out of a store. While other shoppers rack their brains to remember where they parked this time, I just peer above all of the cars and like a mountain, there is my Beast.

I have eaten my own words in so many other areas, it's almost like a buffet.

"I'm not going to have kids."

Let's just let that one sink in for a bit.

As the oldest of six, I was surrounded by toddlers for most of my young life. While I loved them all, and even played mommy to my littlest sister, I was ready to move on to adult type things with adult type people. Here I am now and seven of my favorite people in the whole wide world are among the diaper clad, the not-yet-shaving crowd, the elementary crew. There is no way I could ever have known the depth of love that a mother has for her child. I can't even fully understand it now. They have changed me. Deeply.

The list goes on.

"My kids will never have runny, crusty noses and ratty unbrushed hair."

I think I just choked on my coffee.

I remember being a mommy of a not quite two year old and working in the church nursery. There was a brother and sister tag team, maybe two and four, that often came to play. Oh boy, they could fight. The sister once had a bite mark on her cheek from the brother and the brother had scrapes and bruises from roughhousing with his sister. Judgmental doesn't even begin to describe me. Did I have opinions about those two and their mommy! Good gracious, what was she thinking!

Gulp.

At least four of my seven children have had to be removed from the nursery for biting. We have had countless bruises and scrapes. "He kicked me", "She hit me", "He's looking at me". I have apologized to that mother a hundred times in my head. I wonder where she is now.

Dreaming and longing for glamor and prestige, I wanted to marry rich. I wanted to attend black tie parties weekly and wear fabulous gowns with fabulous shoes. Life was going to be fancy. I'm chuckling to myself as I sit here in my pajamas and bed head. Nothing is fancier than doing load after load of laundry. Well, except maybe scrubbing a toilet.

I was a cheerleader. I laughed at the cross country team. Why would you want to run unless someone or something was chasing you? Yet here I sit, logging miles in hopes of running the mother of all races. The 26.2.

I could go on and on.

It scares me now when I start to think a thought about what I will never do. Too many times that very thing is what I end up living. And loving. It's a good thing I'm not sitting in the driver's seat. I could if I wanted to, but I've learned along the way that I'm not the best of navigators and I may think I know what I want, but He has something much better planned for me. God's plan for my life was so far above what I could have handled, that He only gave me enough light to see the next step. If he would have shined a floodlight on the road up ahead, I think I would have turned and sprinted in the opposite direction, despite my hatred for running. You see, He was slowing changing my heart. The person I was at seventeen could never have handled the responsibility and beauty that I can fourteen years later. I know that today He isn't showing me much more than tomorrow because who I am today isn't ready for what I will take on ten years from now. Thank goodness He is patient.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Lovefest '08

Because I can't think of anything else to say, I give a couple of things I am loving lately. And also it's January and kind of dreary and bleh and I need to focus on happy things. Happy, lovely, good things. Not the weather. That's a different post.

So.

Here are my new red shoes. (with a teensy glimpse of my red coat)


I know that stuff can't make you happy and that there is more to life than material goods. BUT LOOK AT THESE SHOES! I was standing in Payless and I couldn't really make up my mind what I wanted to buy with my gift card. Then I saw these little gems and the clouds parted and a ray of light shined down from heaven.

Yes, that is a string cheese wrapper on my floor. I don't want to talk about it.

This cd wrenches my very soul.



I adore it. It makes me cry every time I hear it. You can listen a little bit here. I play it for the kids as they fall asleep and it is the sweetest thing you have ever heard. Love it. Love it. Love it. Which leads me to this:


Oh those chubby little wrists. I can't stop smooching this baby. He is sweeter than the sweetest dessert I could dream up, and that's pretty dang sweet.

How To Keep Your Baby From Crying

I assure you, she did not learn to change diapers by watching me change her little brother.

Super Mario Galaxy Sabotages My Housework

My bathrooms are dirty and I have a sink full of dirty dishes but doggone it, I have 40 stars and 1006 starbits. Sometimes part of being a mom means "helping" your four year old play the Wii.

Frustration Of The Day

Don't you just hate it when you are trying to get to the DVD menu and it won't let you? The little "talk to the hand" hand flashes and let's you know that you HAVE to read this piracy warning. Or worse, you HAVE to watch this preview. It seems that no matter how fast, or how hard, or how many times I push the menu button, it won't let me access it until it is good and ready. I feel controlled.

DVD, you are SO not the boss of me.

Another Camera Post

I'm sure you are sick of hearing about my deep love for my new camera, but I love it and I can't stop talking about it.

I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office, listening for them to call Toby's name. (shots, poor buddy) What do you think I brought to read? A parenting magazine? Wrong. A spiritual book? Wrong. A big thick historical romance novel? Wrong. I took my camera's manual. Dork, I know.

So I finally figured out some of the things I had been wondering about. One thing I discovered was how to go from this:

To this:

And from this:

to this:

Thrilling isn't it? Because sometimes you are feeling like some Cinnamon Crunch Squares but other times you really lean towards the Coco Roos.

Snow Day

It's snowing and snowing and snowing.

School is cancelled and here is what we are up to:

A little fun outside.


It's so cold it brings tears to your eyes.



A little Wii.



A little StarWars Galaxies. (blurry but what are you going to do?)


Still in my pajamas at noon.

Birthday

Today was my 31st birthday. I feel like I'm talking about someone else when I say thirty-one. In my head I know it's not old, I just can't get over the fact that 31 sounds so middle aged. When Nate and I were first married we hung out with some other parents of young kids from our church. A lot of them were significantly older than us. Like a decade older than us. We were invited to one particular lady's surprise 30th birthday party. I remember thinking, "She is so middle aged."

Now that I have passed that number, it doesn't seem middle aged anymore. But it sure sounds middle aged when I say it about myself. I'm still nineteen right? Nineteen with 7 kids? Hmmm, something isn't quite right about that.


Despite the numbers, I love my birthday. We started celebrating on Sunday with a party at my parents' house. I didn't get to blow my candles out. While I was inhaling in preparation, two little boys on either side of me were exhaling, stealing all the glory.



This morning the kids and I started the day off with some crazy-awesome dancing to a little Family Force 5 in the kitchen while eating a breakfast of chocolate chip bars. From there on it was nothing but food. Nate took me out for lunch with no kids and then supper too. I know you won't believe me but by the end of the meal I was so full that I didn't even order dessert. Let me repeat that. I DIDN'T ORDER DESSERT. We were even at one of those restaurants where if they find out it's your birthday they sing and carry on and embarrass you and then give you free dessert. What was I thinking? I should have at least taken it to go. Then I could eat it for post birthday breakfast tomorrow morning.

Again, what was I thinking?

Now I've got birthday regret.

De Lurk. It's Not a Fancy French Way to Say Lurk. *edited*

So somehow I missed delurking week this year. I didn't even realize it was last week until I read about it over at Karen's. I know there are a bunch of you out there who read but don't comment. Which is totally fine. Maybe you are shy. Maybe you are having a bad hair day. Whatever the reason, it's ok with me if you sit back and read quietly. But won't you come out and play, just for today? Leave me a comment and let me know who you are. Bring cookies if you have some. It'll be a party.

*It's so fun to see so many new faces! Regulars, come on out to play too!*

Colds

Add another job to my description.

The three littlest kids have colds. and it turns out that I'm a human Kleenex. My shoulder is a particularly popular spot. Ewww.

Um... Whatever.

I love watching the show The Biggest Loser. Amazing. It's so awesome to see people achieve their goals like that. If you are a fan of the show, you know that at various points, one of the trainers will come on with a little "trainer tip" or whatever. Basically tips and tricks to eating healthy and exercising.

Last night was a clip of Bob, standing beside a cake with a piece on a plate and a fork in his hand. It looked delicious. He proceeded to concede that if you were diligent about eating healthy and exercising you could indulge in your favorite dessert......ONCE A WEEK! I just about choked on the scotcheroo bar I was eating.

WHAT? So does that mean that having dessert after every meal, even breakfast, isn't the way to go?

Tell me it isn't so. I have lost the will to live.

Pre-Digital

Before I start posting photos taken with my new toy, I need to catch up and post some taken with Old Faithful. A photo round-up if you will.


The Pancake Nativity. Who knew that Mary wore a ponytail?



2007's Christmas Tree #2. Cracked me up everytime I looked at it.


Biggest Brother mentors littlest brother in the ways of the Wii, starting him out with a little old school Mario Bros.


The Annual Sunday Morning Christmas Photo. Every year has a different mood. This years mood was "Some of the kids listen to their Mom's fashion advice and some of them don't."


Along those same lines, this is what you get when you tell your four year old to get dressed for church. Complete with Vampire Teeth.


When I almost burned down the house.


This is the dream:


This what my kids deliver.


And that is pretty much what my whole house looks like right now so I am kicking myself off of the computer and attacking it head on. With gloves.

What I Did Today

So many days I crash onto my pillow with one last thought before I immediately become unconscious. "What was it that I did all day?" Sometimes is obvious. Grocery store stock up. Chauffeuring children around town in the Beast. Doing laundry. Wait, that's all day, everyday. Or at least it feels that way.

Right now it is shortly after noon and I am assessing the past 6.5 hours. Of course there is no possible way I can account for every second but here are some highlights from a morning of thrills.

• Spent some time at the gym, making up for my Weekend 'O Sweets.
• Survived the daily 45 minutes of chaos of waking, feeding, dressing, and nagging children and then herding them to the car to be deposited at their respective schools.
• Devotions. Fought the the ironic trap of yelling at the kids while reading the Bible. "Leave Mommy alone already! I'm trying to spend some time with God!"
• Fulfilled my daily required amount of Wii refereeing. All the while trying to suppress laughter when Jack blames his losses on me. "You made me die Mom. My guy dies when you talk."
  
• Daydreamed about banana bread for at least 10 minutes in 5 second increments, wishing I wouldn't have eaten the last piece yesterday.
• Resorted 576 Apples to Apples cards back into their box from the dumped-out pile on the kitchen table. It's a tolerable task if done while watching Nacho Libre with preschoolers. "My favorite color is light tan."
• Fed the children a lunch of chips and salsa. Appropriate don't you think, considering our morning movie choice?
• Spent approximately 30 minutes (give or take) *cough* on the Internet.
  

It's never the same thing around here, but it's always guaranteed to be enthralling. And if I run out of exciting things to do, there's always the laundry. Wheeeee!

Heth Goes Digital

Shhhh.

Do you hear that?

It's me, smiling as loudly as I can. I have officially entered the digital age. I have hoped and dreamed for a certain camera. I swore that I would only abandon my Pentax K-1000 film camera for one and only one digital. The clouds part and a ray of light shines down upon my new Canon Digital Rebel SLR. Merry Christmas/Happy Anniversary/Happy Birthday to me. And maybe even Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too.

I have been having so much fun playing with this new toy. It is going to take me awhile to get into the swing of things. The manual itself is 171 pages long. It's practically a novel.

Sadly, I picked up my last batch of film photos from the store a couple of days ago. I think even as excited as I am, a little part of me is going to miss shooting film. There is nothing quite like the anticipation of seeing how they turned out. I sit in my car the parking lot and look through the whole batch before I drive away. It's habit.

But OH MY GOODNESS! I finally have it, and it's so much fun. Welcome to 2008 Heth! Technology is grand.

New

I got an email this morning about a movie coming out this month. It's only being released in New York, LA, and San Fransisco but if it does well it will be released more widely. I was skeptical as I tend to be but I went out to the website and watched the trailer. It brought tears to my eyes. It amazing how all of the feelings and emotions of giving birth can flood back so quickly. If this movie was coming anywhere near Small Town Midwest, I would be there in a heart beat. Go check it out for yourself.

The Business of Being Born

Schedule

If only you could have seen the kaleidescope that was the month of December. Alas, it has been sent to the trash can, where the chaos belongs. Here's to a fresh, new, almost empty page.

Cake

We celebrated a little early this year, having family over for tacos and cake. I asked you if you minded having your party on a day other than your actual real birthday. "Nope! That's fine!" you assured me. When I smelled something coming from the oven, once again breaking my tradition of never burning anything, you cheered me on. "That's ok mom." When I struggled to wrestle the cakes from the pans in one piece and I glued them together with massive amounts of frosting you affirmed me with a smile. "It's alright." When I realized that I had grabbed the wrong color and dyed the frosting purple instead of pink you didn't mind. We stood and assessed the damage together, a toppling, crumbling, mess of chocolate, purple, and sprinkles (that were applied to divert attention from the train wreck). I wanted to scowl and sulk and kick something. You assured me that it was perfect.

You amaze me. Your positive outlook on life is an inspiration. God gave you the wonderful gift of a peaceful, cheerful, humble, optimistic spirit. God gave us the gift of letting us learn from you for these past 11 years. Happy Birthday Noelle.