I'm dealing with disappointment. Things that seemed perfect from the beginning but ended up being not so perfect. More of a nightmare. This house is one of them. It seemed like we had waited and waited and waited for a house with more space. Then it came. We prayed through the entire process that if this wasn't the right house, God would close the door. That He would shut us down. And He had done that very, very clearly on other properties that we had pursued. But this time everything fell into place, seamlessly.
And then the basement flooded. Twice. And our finished basement became unfinished. And our savings account dwindled. And we moved everything back out to the garage that we had just cleared boxes from. And the boys moved up stairs into their sisters rooms. And we were living in a three bedroom house again.
This isn't the only area of my life that I feel disappointment in. There are others, some of them big, some of them small. Things that promised to be an answer to prayer. Things that appeared to be perfect but turned into a source of heartache. One that seems small in the grand scheme of things is my running. The marathon. Six weeks into my training plan, and I'm out. My knee is giving me fits and I'm not going to be able to run it. I max out at 8 miles and that's no where near 26.2. Disappointment. So disappointed.
Why do I put so much stake in my circumstances? Pull the right strings and I'm happy. Drop them and I start whining and complaining and wallowing in self pity. Which brings me to Nichole. As I relistened to this song, I felt two things at once. A punch to the gut, the realization of how spoiled and pathetic and ungrateful I really can be. At the same time a tender comfort, a peace that settled on me that my God knows what's best for me. I don't.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .
13 comments:
sometime we should talk about disappointment. my whole journal sounds like this post.
Heather-
I love your honesty and so understand disappointment in life. God does have perfect purpose for this home! I know it doesn't feel like it, but this too may be part of his plan. What seems disapointing, may indeed be a beautiful blessing. I have walked down similar paths, I will pray for you. Love ya-Ariane
*hugs* thank you for your honesty and open heart...and your ability to encourage others through your own disappointment. love you friend. hang in there.
I can so relate to this. Last week at church the sermon was on gratitude. We missed that week but I watched the video. He challenged us to write down thing we were grateful for every day. Even though it was last week, I decided I needed to do it. I need to keep a perspective of gratitude. so much of my prayer time is requesting...begging... pleading with God to DO something...I'm humbled by the fact that I am a spoiled rotten brat who deserves none of his blessings...and yet, he blesses.
I love you. You are on my list of things to be grateful for. (well, people.)
I love her line about "Or maybe not, not today" Well, I love the line, but it's one of the many things God works on in me because I want it to be today, always today that He does what I think I want and need.
This is such a great post. Thank you for being transparent. Your disappointments are making you real- like the Velveteen Rabbit. Love you ooooodles.
Have you considered barefoot running? My BIL had to have physical therapy after running a half-marathon (in shoes) with me. He gave barefoot running a try and completely changed his form and has had no pain since (over a year and two more half-marathons later). It is not something I have tried, but maybe it would allow you to continue to do something you love.
Praying for peace in other circumstances.
just yesterday I was telling a friend about a time in my life when I was upset that God had brought me to a certain place and had given me such "peace" about being there when it seemed like HE should have told me it was the wrong place.
It is so confusing. Some days "trust" is SUCH a huge word.
Thank you.
Your transparency is beautiful, and a blessing to me to know I'm not the only one. Different disappointments but same feelings. And the line, "Pull the right strings and I'm happy. Drop them and I start whining and complaining and wallowing in self pity." That's me...wishing it weren't, but it is. Praying you through it, my friend. (hug)
Thanks for writing this, Heth. I was going to say what Tina said - Pastor John's sermon on gratitude last week really reminded me of where I should be in relation to the events and circumstances of my life. It was good to focus on gratitude more last week. Now I need to keep that going every day.
Disappointment has always been a big trip-up for me. Thanks for being so real about it. I love you.
I have read your blog off and on for a couple of years but never commented. I rarely read many blogs anymore...just don't have time but stumbled upon this today (a few days after your post). I am dealing with a huge disappointment as well. A great ministry opportunity that seemed perfect and fell through. It is so hard to understand but I do know that we serve a powerful, amazing God that is still God even in the troubled times! I wrote about this on my blog yesterday, I could retype it her, but it is easier just to send you there, so if you want my deep thoughts of the week :) and you get a chance, check it out. I'll be praying for you!
That post lifted me up. Thank you.
Your honesty is good. We all feel the disappointment at times. The question that I'm learning to ask is why am I disappointed? Do I really trust God and that He loves me. (period) Or do I only trust Him when it's going my way? It's a hard question/lesson. I haven't got it learned yet.
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